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self-image 

I have been having some weird disconnect because I feel, fundamentally, unattractive.

But then I get evidence that says that I'm not.

And IDK what to do about this.

re: self-image 

@maenad Trust the evidence, I guess? That is kind of an oversimplification but I kind of wonder about this all the time. I don't feel like a conventionally attractive person but sometimes people say they think I'm attractive. I just kind of have to trust that they think so

re: self-image 

@maenad And whether or not *I* think I'm attractive? To me? I'm not even sure I know what that means. I kind of stalled out on this but that was really one of the questions I was trying to answer with my sexy selfie project

re: self-image 

@pagrus yeah I think I both strongly believe that there is no objective beauty and strongly want someone to be like "hello yes you are in the xth percentile of attractiveness"

re: self-image 

@maenad I don't really believe in objective beauty but I believe in statistical beauty, which is why I don't think of myself as conventionally attractive. There are people out there who think I am hot but sometimes it takes a little more work to find them

self-image 

@maenad

one bit of mental judo I came across, for those struggling to gauge their own level of attractiveness, was to realize that your opinion of yourself didn't have to be relevant, necessarily. That if you don't care much for your own appearance that can just mean you're not "your type."

Which is fine.

You don't have to be "your type" because the goal is to find someone /else/ whose type you are.

Made sense to me.

re: self-image 

@signalstation @maenad This is kind of related to (or maybe the same thing as?) what I was suggesting. But yeah for sure. I think I am only kind of my own type, like maybe I would go for myself on a desert island kind of thing

self-image 

@maenad
The book that transformed how I think about relationships is Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix. The essential point of it is we're all drawn to other people who we perceive are likely to create a relationship context with the kinds of issues we struggle with, so we can work on those issues. And we all give off cues about that relationship context. We're attracted to each other by those cues.

self-image 

@paulczege what I'm actually working on is not rejecting myself as much, especially now. It's hard to be casually in touch with people now, and people are losing touch for reasons that I KNOW are 100% their mental health (I'm fading for that reason).

But that does mean feeling like I'm ignoring the soft rejection of lack of response a lot of the time, which means my anxiety of "what if I'm just the annoying person everyone hates" is way up.

self-image 

@maenad
I see. Yeah, it's weirdly easy to start thinking people have intentionally decided to pull back from you for reasons specific to you, especially when multiple folks are doing it, but it's certainly not true. What's true is that everyone is being affected by the tribulations of the world.

self-image 

@maenad
I've had a couple of people reach out to me in the past two weeks and I'm struggling to give them responses. I'm sure they're worrying something is unwelcome in their overtures, but no, it's just I'm less than I was because of the stress of the world.

self-image 

@maenad
Or think about it this way. It's super hard to change who you are intentionally. It takes years of therapy. So the traits that have made you attractive to people in the past are unlikely to have somehow disappeared. It's that a situation in the world is keeping them from working as they have. And you know that situation will be resolved at some point. So under the circumstances you do your best, stay human, and know it's appreciated, if not acknowledged.

@maenad I don't have much advice to give to you unfortunately, but I can send hugs :)
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