mh neg 

today in teaching: worrying that my students will be able to tell that I'm crying by my voice.

mh neg 

all I did today was laundry and try to get an auto e-mail to go out and I failed at both of them.

I realize I probably need water and a nap but my brain is telling me I'm a useless failure who doesn't deserve those things.

my brain is not good.

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mh neg 

I'm realizing that I have a bunch of unaddressed capital t Trauma and that means I need to take a step back

like, you know, maybe isolation reminds me of my ex and the general "ehhh" that people have about any sort of hangs (even virtual, sometimes) feels like repeated rejection and all I can remember is my ex telling me he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public

and is society melting down? yeah, but animal brain is selfish.

mh neg 

I keep remembering the night I kicked him out, and how I asked so many people to stay with me to make sure I was safe and none of them did

and then one person came by 3 hours later and took me to breakfast and it was very kind because we'd only just met

... and how he and I broke up a month ago and now I have no one I can ask

and that happened 16 months ago and it's not now and I probably do have friends who would help now, but it's so hard to see

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mh neg 

@maenad so much 💓 it’s so weird not being able to have people show up for you in normal ways right now. But you absolutely deserve people and attention

mh neg 

@maenad Ugh, social isolation is the worst. Sorry that's hitting now :(

I'm also sorry I didn't see this til today (weekends are bad for social media, that's my fault).

It'd be tricky for me to show up where you are, but chatting can always happen, at least.

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