I keep remembering the night I kicked him out, and how I asked so many people to stay with me to make sure I was safe and none of them did
and then one person came by 3 hours later and took me to breakfast and it was very kind because we'd only just met
... and how he and I broke up a month ago and now I have no one I can ask
and that happened 16 months ago and it's not now and I probably do have friends who would help now, but it's so hard to see
I'm realizing that I have a bunch of unaddressed capital t Trauma and that means I need to take a step back
like, you know, maybe isolation reminds me of my ex and the general "ehhh" that people have about any sort of hangs (even virtual, sometimes) feels like repeated rejection and all I can remember is my ex telling me he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public
and is society melting down? yeah, but animal brain is selfish.
all I did today was laundry and try to get an auto e-mail to go out and I failed at both of them.
I realize I probably need water and a nap but my brain is telling me I'm a useless failure who doesn't deserve those things.
my brain is not good.
a positive relationship post for today:
I found someone I've had an admiration for for a couple... years? on fetlife and we talked on the phone today and shx pointed me to a queer horror anthology and we talked about making jewelry and we will walk Kris together soon.
I have 0 plans to relationship hxr at this juncture but it's nice to meet and flirt with someone who's smart and creative and has shared interests.
I did this commission for @maenad and i'm really happy with it! It's a postcard stretch goal for their (now finished but very cool looking kickstarter: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/maenad/climbing-the-witchs-tower )
anyway, going to actually try and sleep
have a humming rock
(dude I was sleeping with but am now reevaluating things with when I realized he responds HELLA BAD to boundaries said I stopped wanting him when I met people cooler than him
I think I just stopped wanting him when I started getting more from my neighbor than I do from him.
Not that we're fucking, or even want to be fucking, just that it feels GOOD to be "sit around and bitch on the daily" mode with someone. even if usually we bitch about dogs and the weather.
I need to reprioritize, and clear some things off my to do list.
In the meantime, there's dog cuddles and coffee.
I feel like the only person I'm not letting down is me, and that's important
I wish I could stop feeling like I was letting everyone else down, but ehhh.... maybe that'll happen later?
I've commissioned some rad art (and received it). I talk almost daily to someone I like and who has no expectations of me besides "wrangling the dog(s)". Although she'd maybe like it if I returned the plate she brought me cookies on.
I'm tired. I'm stressed.
I'm full time teaching faculty, and tutoring my butt off, and trying to bring some papers to publication because they were backburnered (editors 2 years ago: "yeah but who cares about viral invasion into the US?"), trying to publish my kickstarter
it's like 4 full time jobs and all I wanna do is sit on the front step and drink with my neighbor and watch my strawberry plants grow
time enough for everything, I guess.
if you decide to buy some stamps, may I recommend these designs:
Science goth who likes hugs.
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