alcohol, houseguest, disappointment
in the 10 days my houseguest has been here I've slept elsewhere twice
both times he's gotten problematically intoxicated
we had plans for yesterday to go into the mountains and have a day and he texted me at 2 AM that he was drunk and throwing up so couldn't go
I had fun without him
I am still hurt, exasperated, and disappointed.
relationships, family death
right before J and I left and we were kinda working things out and I'd just gotten a new partner and J was dealing with jealousy off and on.
Then I got the news about my dad and J was like "call her so she can keep you company while I straighten things out at work".
A+ reaction, v good, will think about that one for ages.
my therapist joked with me that the universe was just trying to shove us together.
I don't believe in that kind of thing but. It's a funny, if vain, thought. "Your grandmother was the warning shot".
I was sitting with him when my grandmother died and said something like "what am I going to do? make you drive me to St Louis to say goodbye?" and he said "I will" and we went "wait nevermind"
48 hrs later we were in line at Jo Ann's and I got the phone call that my dad died. So that was the "okay guess we're going to NJ now" moment.
My grandmother died because she was old, my dad died from a heart attack while doing yard work.
right before I left a dude I'd been sort of seeing for a long time debated stopping talking to me to go monogamous with this really toxic chick and I had to be like "we're friends so let me just say she sounds toxic." (between "I've known you two weeks so stop talking to this person and date me" and "I don't like oral but maybe if I'm drunk")
he drove me to NJ from NM and back 1 week later. Road trip took 3 weeks. Guess we're dating now, like for real.
I keep remembering the night I kicked him out, and how I asked so many people to stay with me to make sure I was safe and none of them did
and then one person came by 3 hours later and took me to breakfast and it was very kind because we'd only just met
... and how he and I broke up a month ago and now I have no one I can ask
and that happened 16 months ago and it's not now and I probably do have friends who would help now, but it's so hard to see
I'm realizing that I have a bunch of unaddressed capital t Trauma and that means I need to take a step back
like, you know, maybe isolation reminds me of my ex and the general "ehhh" that people have about any sort of hangs (even virtual, sometimes) feels like repeated rejection and all I can remember is my ex telling me he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public
and is society melting down? yeah, but animal brain is selfish.
all I did today was laundry and try to get an auto e-mail to go out and I failed at both of them.
I realize I probably need water and a nap but my brain is telling me I'm a useless failure who doesn't deserve those things.
my brain is not good.
Science goth who likes hugs.
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