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alcohol, houseguest, disappointment 

in the 10 days my houseguest has been here I've slept elsewhere twice

both times he's gotten problematically intoxicated

we had plans for yesterday to go into the mountains and have a day and he texted me at 2 AM that he was drunk and throwing up so couldn't go

I had fun without him

I am still hurt, exasperated, and disappointed.

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If I said an ow streamer with 50k subs was coming into town today so I could help him recover from a toxic situation in a minimally toxic environment this shirt would ID him 100%... To a crowd I don't run in

(Selfie, eye contact)

Is it time for an updating of the seven sins? Like, who thinks it's pride or gluttony behind the evils of our world? What do you think:

untruth
wealth
supremacy
ignorance
hypocrisy
violence
exploitation

relationships, family death 

right before J and I left and we were kinda working things out and I'd just gotten a new partner and J was dealing with jealousy off and on.

Then I got the news about my dad and J was like "call her so she can keep you company while I straighten things out at work".

A+ reaction, v good, will think about that one for ages.

sorry for the lack of CWs, it just is so hard to find the right ones when I'm this emotionally worn down.

my therapist joked with me that the universe was just trying to shove us together.

I don't believe in that kind of thing but. It's a funny, if vain, thought. "Your grandmother was the warning shot".

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I was sitting with him when my grandmother died and said something like "what am I going to do? make you drive me to St Louis to say goodbye?" and he said "I will" and we went "wait nevermind"

48 hrs later we were in line at Jo Ann's and I got the phone call that my dad died. So that was the "okay guess we're going to NJ now" moment.

My grandmother died because she was old, my dad died from a heart attack while doing yard work.

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right before I left a dude I'd been sort of seeing for a long time debated stopping talking to me to go monogamous with this really toxic chick and I had to be like "we're friends so let me just say she sounds toxic." (between "I've known you two weeks so stop talking to this person and date me" and "I don't like oral but maybe if I'm drunk")

he drove me to NJ from NM and back 1 week later. Road trip took 3 weeks. Guess we're dating now, like for real.

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In the last month I lost two members of my family, roadtripped across the country and back, and made countless masks.

if you need a cloth mask, hmu.

RT @kristencheeks
I’m pretty sure that podcasts now are just an excuse for adult men to call each other on the phone and have a meaningful one hour conversation.

does anyone have recs for minimally problematic banks?

does anyone have a bodyweight workout resource they recommend? minor complication: the screws in my left foot mean a pushup position is uncomfortable in a bad way (I can do knees and elevate to get a similar exercise)

mh neg 

I keep remembering the night I kicked him out, and how I asked so many people to stay with me to make sure I was safe and none of them did

and then one person came by 3 hours later and took me to breakfast and it was very kind because we'd only just met

... and how he and I broke up a month ago and now I have no one I can ask

and that happened 16 months ago and it's not now and I probably do have friends who would help now, but it's so hard to see

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mh neg 

I'm realizing that I have a bunch of unaddressed capital t Trauma and that means I need to take a step back

like, you know, maybe isolation reminds me of my ex and the general "ehhh" that people have about any sort of hangs (even virtual, sometimes) feels like repeated rejection and all I can remember is my ex telling me he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public

and is society melting down? yeah, but animal brain is selfish.

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mh neg 

all I did today was laundry and try to get an auto e-mail to go out and I failed at both of them.

I realize I probably need water and a nap but my brain is telling me I'm a useless failure who doesn't deserve those things.

my brain is not good.

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mh neg 

today in teaching: worrying that my students will be able to tell that I'm crying by my voice.

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